Life experiences have taught me I have to choose my battles wisely or I can pay with my feelings in overall emotional energy.
For any INFJ who has been bullied or manipulated on any level, whether it is in the slightest terror or the extreme of trauma, the last thing we want is to find ourselves in a pattern of “you set my self-worth and I will follow”. Many of us have had to learn to be and stand strong on our own, sometimes to the displeasure of a group if it rocked the boat or challenged the politics of that clique.
Feelings, such as grief, anger or apathy, can linger and eat away at us a lot longer than with the other person or parties involved. These emotions, if unchecked, can consume free space in our head when we don’t let go of the injustice we received or are able to forgive. Of course, it only adds to our emotional simmer how much the other individual(s) did and do not even care.
How much can we tolerate being torn down?
In our internal chatter, we may ask ‘how much can we tolerate being torn down as it relates to repercussions? Are we strong enough to withstand what comes with defending ourselves on principle?’ Powerful alpha personalities do not always become influential because of a “service to others” mindset.
Perhaps their popularity or professional success is due to stepping on other’s backs or triangulating – they may not mind paying any price to create or maintain their track record even if it hurt others. This may also be how they keep their status – tearing others down in power plays of control. They may be on an adrenaline trip or power is their drug of choice.
How do we focus our energy?
For the INFJ who finds themselves in this landscape, how do we rise above, continue to grow and focus our energy to thrive in the future? While I do not believe in placing undue blame or dumping further onto the victim, the injured can be left with collateral damage to heal. One solution to managing and rising above these stresses, terrors or traumas is meditation.
To set the stage, I realize it can be a lot to just to set aside the time and dedicate a place to where we can quiet the mind to be still … with everything going on in our lives. And, I want to acknowledge the space when we step back to honor ourselves during this process. If we can include our whole body to compliment this mind work, our full energy body can become integrated to benefit; we can stretch out or breath from our belly [diaphragm] area compared to our higher chest area.
As we allow ourselves to enter a zone to go inwards, we can weave in a topic if we want our meditation to surpass finding a neutral, safe zone. One topic could include inviting courage into our work or our life during a single or regular meditation session. In invoking courage into our quiet space, we can ask it “what do you want of me right now?”
Bring courage into the conversation
I bring courage into the conversation because our body’s first chakra focuses on survival, stability, grounding, health and truth. This root or base chakra, out of the seven, can set the foundation in how we relate to the world and others around us. As emotions can stay stuck in our bodies, it is essential to strengthen this base chakra to start our day or week with balance. When we are off balance, it can be more difficult to overcome obstacles, transform limiting beliefs or accept our personal talent.
As this root chakra grounds us in our ability to reclaim our identity, it is a starting point to feel connected to our needs around basic fulfillment and community. We are setting aside a window to time to reconnect to the Earth, our soul and our loved ones. This first chakra needs to be given some attention to, compared to being invisible, as it assists with our emotional and spiritual health.
Meditation can be the start of releasing any baggage in the present moment, so we don’t carry lower density or negative feelings into future relationships or opportunities. If there is any level of trauma to unpack, we can begin here to live a fearless existence compared to holding a tainted world view.
Afterwards, we can journal and record what we discovered in the silence. Or with a guided meditation. Or while walking barefoot on the grass to ground our body’s energy. One journaling activity could be to deepen the connection with our courage by answer the following questions to retain any distinctions:
- Where in your body do you feel your courage state?
- Where do you feel the most courage reserves?
- What gives you courage to invoke connection?
- What do you notice in the observer mode?
- What do you already do to get yourself into a courageous state?
- What music do you find expansive or creates your courageous state?
- Where does the courage reside in your body?
- What is the best landscape for your courage [so this energy can be released for any next action steps forward, messages to write down or post, etc.]?
Sometimes, we need to go inwards before we can go outwards
Our root chakra is one place to begin to find our hedge of protection as well as our launchpad to evolve to what is next. Meditation has been proven to increase health, focus, creativity, and overall emotional well-being. This quiet practice also serves as one way to naturally produce oxytocin.
Separate from developing our inner landscape through meditation, we still must step back into the external environment. We may find others have come around to their senses but in the test for us, did we fall backwards in accepting the lowest common denominator? Did we become frozen in time in our mind due to another’s oppression or opinions?
Build others up
Wisdom tells us that those who truly feel good about themselves and are genuinely competent at anything build others up compared to sabotaging them. Common sense dictates there were and are different ways to deliver a message. Yet, bullies may intend to demean and weaken others compared to educate or strengthen.
If we do not sort any repressed feelings after a complicated cycle, we could stay in pain and find ourselves with sickness, depression or even early death. If an outside party gives us a metaphoric burning coal, we can at any time drop it to the ground and walk away. While easier said than done to the INFJ who may feel like a deer in the headlights, we have the capacity to let go of other’s toxic beliefs or narrative of us. We don’t have to carry their burning coal dust in our auric energy field. Their energy does not have to be our energy.
The metaphoric burning coal can be any feeling or imprinting that does not serve us, yet we have to be ready to see how much their hot coals do not contribute. This can be the hardest thing … to just let go … because our ego can intellectualize how or that we did not learn this survival lesson in school. Or, if there is any depth of connection to something we valued, we can refuse to set the fiery coal on the ground even if it is burning us to the bone, destructive to our other dreams and opportunities. While logic makes it obvious to drop the burning coals, the smoldering rocks may subconsciously connect with something or someone we lost in deeper meanings.
Better feelings to choose from
While the emotions of anger or pride can make us feel alive, they can also burn us out – when there are so many better feelings to choose from. The cycle could continue with the burning rocks growing into a victim wound story and then, a pattern. We, and others, may not see the decline or the opportunity to use the fiery coals as fuel to change our internal environment to thus change our perspectives.
The danger if we don’t grow forward is that we could bond to someone else’s deception and oppression. This can first cause a mindset of backward thinking where one can become prouder of their defeats than their successes. They can also accept the mental trap of routine misery as their new normal in falling through the cracks as an adult. It is not necessarily that they are lazy but rather, defeated in faith that they could write a new story for their future. The victim story becomes the default narrative and identity where they don’t have learn anything new or sort out any tragedy. Then there is the physical ailments that can come from repressing unresolved feelings where they eventually show up in the body’s health.
Some people, as a personal theme, drudge their way through life without recognizing the world or environment they could create. They play with the cards they are dealt compared to buying a new deck or stack. In the breakdown of will power, they can forsake self-responsibility even if it is to the detriment of their spirit or those depending on them.
While the negligent bullies did and do not give a darn, we can stay “burning up” on the inside as long we hold on to the coals. Whether karma shows up on their doorstop or not, they may never relate to or understand how they violated a core value of ours, such as justice, truth or freedom. Yet if we do not let the burning coals go, it is also like collecting cumulative ashes that bury our best potential.
It reminds me of two mice that were placed in milk. One ran and made curd while the other one drowned. So short story long, transformation resulted from one mouse being proactive and this mouse climbed out of an adverse situation.
In closing, we may not realize that those naysayers or bullies could have coveted what they did not have. Perhaps their actions were not preplanned on their part initially, as thinking requires effort and energy. Their hate may just have been a feeling they carry inside of themselves and they don’t even know why. They may not even be conscious enough to realize they have no honor for their words.
Through meditation, we can allow their burning coals, envy or bad mojo to pass through us like a screen door. We can stay in a field or frequency of love compared to getting pulled into a field of fear. When what is in us becomes stronger than outside chatter, we gain a skill of quiet, inner listening and reclaim our identity. When we return to our core, we can contribute in our agency to the evolution and consciousness of humanity.
Written by: Angelina Carleton
Angelina Carleton is the Founder to Legacy Planning, a boutique coaching firm, that assists individuals and groups with the opportunity to explore their goals and dreams through best of class support for accountability and follow-through of long term intentions. When one becomes the best they can be in navigating their calendar days, their energy and their activities, transformation and fulfillment materialize and thus, their personal legacy.
Find Angelina here: angelinacarleton.com.